Only human...

Written : 29 August 2008

Human gets tired of everything. Only God never get weary of the whole thing. Maybe for a simple reason of him being a creator, he will forever appreciate and enjoy the beauty of the world. However, we otherwise are the exact opposite. We often get exhausted, we are always worn out for so many apparent and noticeable causes….So perceptible yet unclear…

When I finally embrace my self-made fate, I could hardly believe I was there. My mind has brought me into a different kind of journey. Far beyond difficult than what I have used to grown up with. But inspite of all that had happened in the past, all the dreams splintered, imaginations of the future smashed into smithereens, I, at rest, still have the very nerve to hold his hand and spoke right before his lips, “I’m still with you…” Perhaps, a valiant move, an heroic act in layman’s terms, or just a mere idiocy on my part. Or maybe I wasn’t a fool after all. I just allowed myself to be used for a long time for other people’s sake even if it means making my life miserable than ever. But still I permitted it to happen. Can anybody here blame me for being selfless? Is it a sin to think more of another soul more than you could ever think of your own self? I doubt somebody would answer me what I want to hear. Or otherwise think I’m brainless….

I became a part of his life., a huge fraction of it, I may say.. So vague to even possess an ability to prefigure his future, whether to raise him up or shrug him down and spend my whole life destroying his.

I knew myself as someone temporary. A girl so nominal. A momentary person with nothing to think about but now.. However, no matter how I try to put myself on top priority, it seems to be not enough for me. And so, I can definitely pronounce at this instant, that I’ve put happiness of majority first than my own.. Coming across so as to what the results of my decision so far, I can say that I have picked the right choices of everything… And I know I will never regret a single bit of my after thought…

And now that I’m here again. Same old me, same old occurrence, similar reactions from the viewers of my so-called life story. Hope everyone can forgive me from doing this. From being stupid in the name of great courage and strong disposition. I just pray that each one of you, who have played a gigantic role in my life, have somehow be trained to understand, accept with eyes wide open that I’m doing all of these not just for myself, in fact, the other way around. I just hate seeing another soul cry. Most especially when that same soul is the one who spins my entire world and simultaneously, willing to give everything just to prevent me from that river of tears. Isn’t it so ironic that the person who has the ability to stop you from crying is exactly the very person who makes you cry? I pray that in time, and I’m sure it’ll come, people around me will stop blaming and judging me. Surprisingly, they will realize how this whole event and scenario have helped me grew as a person not just with logical mind but also a woman with a huge heart, and affirm these words – “Des, I think you’re right...”