-Niar-

Written : 13 April 2010

Rain…

An unusual sentiment of the weather has awaken me this morning. It was the first time to rain since summer has started. I was once told about the effect of weather on people’s moods and emotions. I have a certain feel of subtle sadness when it rain. As if every downpour compensates a drop of tear. And suddenly I was reminded of a “fight” that now seems to end us and the relationship built by love and trust. It was a real heavy feeling waking up like the world conspired and turned up against you. I know today is the beginning of a new chapter, and ending of a part of my life that’s so special. I know today is my doomsday, the moment when I have to say “wo ai ni” for the last time. In addition to that, it’s raining.

I have been pre-occupied with a lot of thoughts coming into my head since yesterday. It has been hours that I can’t help but wonder and seek for what’s the good in all of these? “Is it really worth it?” My mind has nothing to mumble but only one word  yes. Fixing your mind, heart and soul on something that’ll about to take place is never easy. How can you prepare when it happened so sudden? How can you say goodbye to someone you can’t take letting go? How can you tell your mind that it’s falling apart and is nearly over? How can u separate yourself to someone when even a single minute without him feels hell? What more a lifetime apart from him? I have been crying last night as a child deprived of his right to be happy. And for me, my happiness is the person I thought I already lost.

As darkness fills the shady sky that morning, so is my heart. Filled with pain and loneliness, it became hard for me to go on and continue the fight. I want to walk in the rain so people won’t see my tears. However, I have decided to give it a last shot anyway. If it didn’t work out for me, at least I know it’s something worth trying… Hard I know to open another chance for us for it also means opening another opportunity to get hurt. Another possibility to shed tears and another reason to blame rain…. But is there anything harder than seeing the most significant person in your life departing right before your very eyes? Unthinkable, unimaginable, unbearable…

Rainbow, indeed is the best part of rain. A sigh of relief after the struggle brought about by the storms of life. I’d be very glad to withstand the change of weathers if only sun would shine on me again. Before it’s too late that I already hate the entire idea of rain in my life, hopefully I can see that rainbow of happiness closer as each day rises, sooner than forever...