Our Little Angel, Baby Angelo...

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August 08, 2010, Sunday morning, a call from my brother in-law made us tap our feet in excitement. Maybe a natural feeling caused by a sudden addition to a family member. Babies are life’s way of showing us that the world is an unending cycle and we should always go on. Every birth is a blessing. A potentiality of a grandeur dream to realize for the family and for his own. It was an afternoon celebration which turned out to be a hurting obstacle that will test the family. A grim truth of the new-born baby having birth defect has shaken all of our intense feeling of enthusiasm and thrill. Still has a reason to celebrate, I anticipated. At least he came out of this world alive. And making him live normally can be a venture, a risk where we could win or lose. But as a positive outsider looking in, at least we were given a stout chance to bet.

The first thing I did was search for the answers. How will it be cured? How long will it take for him to be like any other normal baby?

"What is imperforate anus and how was it treated?"

“Imperforate anus: A congenital malformation (a birth defect) in which the rectum is a blind alley (a cul-de-sac) and there is no anus. The anus is imperforate in the sense that the normal perforation we call the anus is absent. The end of the intestinal tract has not made its way through the skin in the perineal area. Imperforate anus occurs in 1 in about 5,000 newborn babies. It has to be corrected by surgery. Imperforate anus is also known as anal atresia. “Surgical treatment of infants with imperforate anus depends upon the severity of the condition. With a high imperforate anus, a colostomy (to divert the path of stool) is usually done. The infant with a high lesion is therefore given time to grow until definitive repair can be done with a pull-through operation (in which the rectum is "pulled down" and sewn into a newly-made anal opening in the perineum). After surgery, the newly-formed anus needs to be dilated regularly for several months until a soft, mature scar is obtained. The colostomy can then be closed.”

After reading it, I didn’t know how to react. I know it will require long treatment, patience, and will call for so much in terms of financial. For a moment, the whole family was shocked. Inspite this, we never want a newborn baby be a doomsday to everyone. It was supposed to be a happy merriment. A celebration of birth and from then on we tried to think of all the positive things and willingly offer any kind of support we can provide our youngest baby. I never saw my nephew @ the hospital for he stayed at the I.C.U. after doctors detected his birth defect.

“He has down syndrome.”

This next revelation from my sister really injured me. I have a little knowledge about this defect but I know it’s something not stereotypically normal. But like our new baby’s first perceived deficiency, we accepted it as a challenge. As what I always tell myself, “this too shall pass”. I, personally searched how to cope and to take care of a down baby. I want to make sure that I’ll do the right approach of taking care of him soon as he gets out of the ICU. As I scrolled down the net about this syndrome, my eyes passed by a prayer-like creed. It was called a “CREED OF BABIES WITH DOWN SYNDROME”. And until now, reading this always leaves me teary-eyed.

Creed of Babies with Down Syndrome

My face may be different

But my feelings the same

I laugh and cry

And I take pride in my gains.

I was sent here among you

To teach you to love

As God in the heavens

looks down from above.

To Him I'm no different

His love knows no bounds.

It's those here among you

In cities and towns

that judge me by standards

That man has imparted

But this family I've chosen

Will help me get started.

For I'm one of the children

so special and few

That came here to learn

The same lessons as you.

That love is acceptance

it must come from the heart

We all have the same purpose

Though not the same start.

The Lord gave me life

To live and embrace

And I'll do it as you do

But at my own pace.

We were very well prepared to welcome him and to let him feel our love soon as we were allowed to see him at the ICU which became his home for 5 days. I could just imagine his condition inside the NICU (Nursery Intensive Care Unit), where he was injected with a lot of syringe, supported with masses of gadgets which makes it even harder for him to move even a bit, slotting in pipe in any part of his tiny, semi-developed body when during these times, he needs to be held by his mother’s arms, being carried by excited and overwhelming relatives who’ll start giving petnames according to different funny opinions and bases. Sometimes, I can’t help but cry thinking that he was in piercing pain all this time.

The whole family patiently waited for a couple of days for “Baby Angelo” to be stable enough to grip the colostomy operation, only the first of three operations he has to undergo to normalize his bowel excretion. The name Angelo was given by his dad as my sister told us, because he was indeed an angel. A heaven-sent. A special gift from God.

August 11, when baby Angelo survived the very crucial operation. Being very nervous, we all waited for the result and we’re so lucky that he survived. He is a fighter! Being a 3-day old to carry on after the surgery is truly a sign of courage and audacity. We all slept well that night. A little too comforted and thankful for the completion of the procedure our new baby had been able to conquer.

August 13, his 2nd day after the operation. The day that started so light yet ended so heavy. I dropped by the house that Friday morning to fix myself going to work after sleeping with my other sister’s room at Delos Santos Hospital from where she was confined. That time I felt God is really putting his hands on us again. From one hospital to another, if there’s one thing I truly realize about this whole incident is the fact that we learned to be appreciative of everything we have, may it be people around us or even things that we possess that time. After taking my lunch that day, my father called my office asking me to take a leave that afternoon because we have to rush in to the hospital for my nephew is being revived that moment. I hurriedly asked my boss of an emergency leave which he courteously granted. Right away I went home to pick them up so we could all go to the hospital. Inside the cab, we already felt something’s wrong, something’s heavy. Something is really not ok. A sudden stop of the taxi driver woke up my sanity, only then have I realized that mama, my sister and I were already crying without even knowing the very reason why… Scampering into the hospital, my brother in-law’s sister already came to hug my sister who is already being hysterical that time. Baby Angelo is gone.. Gone too soon… First I asked God, does baby Angelo deserve these? Was it really fair to claim him from us rapidly without giving us a chance to even glance at him? The hospital has been manually pumping him since 6 am. From that moment ‘til 1:47 where his heartbeat stopped, he was struggling, fighting. He is fighting because he knew very well that we wanted him to stay. He is fighting for us… Up to his last breath, he wanted to survive for us just like the operation he successfully overcame two days ago. 

Exactly a week after he was delivered by my sister on this earth, we waved our last fleeting look at him on his burial. Goodbyes are always painful. How weird for me to think that some people grieve for a loved one’s death because they can’t let go of the memories left to them. But for me, pain comes from the thought that we were never given the chance to create wonderful memories together. We were somehow deprived of could have been a little joy. He served as a hope for us, a positive baby who became so brave for all of us. Why him? Why soon? I think he still has to contribute to our family’s solidarity, to our lifestyles and to our lives as a family and maybe individually. However, who am I to question God’s plans for us, for baby Angelo?

That week was one of the heaviest 7 days of my life. And now after a couple of days, we still remember him. We will forever remember him. After everything, I still thank God that he let us borrow his angel, Baby Angelo. Though he got him from us so soon, lived only a couple of days, I am very certain that he made Baby Angelo an instrument of patience, generosity, acceptance and unconditional love.

Baby Angelo may never had the chance to play here on earth, I’m already relieved knowing that he is now playing in heaven where there’s no longer pain and suffering and with the best company of all, GOD surrounded by all the angels like him.

Out of his life...

From one struggle to another, from one voluntary act to another, from one sweet love deed to another, I always found reason to stay--- and to keep being hopeful. But now after the last few drops of tears, after the final smack to sense it over having blazed rows with pros and cons like a watched pot that has long been waited to boil, I have finally  found my twinge place about face… Out of his life.

I used to be a great adviser to my friends. Trying to lighten up a friend’s sobbing heart has been one of my expertise. And my favorite line, “Is it really  worth it?” Now I am haunted by the very same question, and after some anticipations and meditations, I guess it’s safe to say that it really was. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my concluding stop. This is where I descend, my final take off. This is the moment when I finally have to burn the bridge.

I will always have sweet fond memories of him, and the perfect man he almost was. I can cleverly recall some huge fights and numerous petty squabbles we had, heavy complications brought by my twitchy and unstill previous life not to mention my childish ways. But at the other side of these, I still choose to remember those days when we were so happy and close together.

There was always a reason to keep what we had. To treasure and continue experiencing the happiest days of our lives. The dream that was too heavenly to cease, a dream that now will forever be just that… There were more than a single attempt to take it to a higher illusion. To elevate it into something truer than what it only seemed to be. But always, I found ourselves somewhere I had left us off: the deputy, the meantime partnership. A fighter of a happy ending that always almost, but not quite. A battle victored by humility and not pride. By conceding, I think that was the greatest prize.

How can you save a relationship that’s nearly approaching the end? How can you hoard a ship that’s slowly falling apart? We’ve gave it all unfortunately our own differences gave up on us. And after a while of dominating what we always thought would be ours forever or maybe what we always assume, now for the first time I find myself running out of reasons. I have come face to face with reality that I was NEVER the finest partner he was to me all along. I was never the best for him though he always sees me as that. It was just a label, a mask I could use to describe what in the longest time I’ve been trying to be. Problem wanted more of us, and it took me this long to finally realize that I could not offer him what he‘s been wanted. Not with me. So what's the point of settling for mere status like this?

Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your loved one might be one of the greatest forfeiture a partner can ever made. They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I think that’s merely what is left for me… I have to make a stand even if it means giving up my own happiness.   

“Know what you want and stick with it”. It always worked for me as I have known myself. Unfortunately, it’s always been a selfish unfair act to persist my wants and disregarding his. Once again, I am going through this tug-of-war over what I wanted and what I truly deserved. After my true feelings surfaced, I began to acknowledge the fact that I was fascinated by his ways. The rest was just part of the imagination I had created in my mind, just like the reasons that were not supposed to be there in the first place.

Painful? Yes, but still bearable. When you have finally ran out of answers and all that's comforting you were plain possibilities, won't you get tired, too? I always ask; I never assume.

All along he was telling me how “cute” and unique I am in his eyes. How “appreciative” he was of having me around to cuddle him during his weary times, I can clearly recall his expressions when our tempers were about to clashed, how he hold my hand when I’m getting tantrums, and the one who sees me a better yet far from the best option he could ever get.  Maybe I was not perfect, perhaps an ideal to some. A girlfriend venerably revered. So there I was again, the woman on the pedestal pacing on a red carpet. Only God knows how I wish those compliments were enough to offset my true emotions inside caused by his insensitivity.

Despite all this I stayed on hoping that I would in time be able to serve my purpose compensating the kindness I received from him which in the long time I’ve been trying to do, as well. This time, unconditionally. Why? Because I found fulfillment in making him know beyond what he already was to me. Because we were both convenient. There were good and bad reasons but after all that’s been said and done it was because I was happy most of all. Then I would wake up one morning not feeling the same way anymore, less hopeful but more certain that I wanted more from us and this happy-ok-sad, mediocre relationship.

I have given it enough time --- for us to grow, for us to be the better persons that we are now. I would like to think that I gave it enough chance. I would like to believe that someday when our paths cross again, I will see him in the arms of someone who deserves him best, who’s willing to love him more than I did, someone who is meant to be "chosen" and not just someone he had to settle for. Well, I think I also ought to have that same wish for myself in return… 

I have given it my best --- all I have got, all that I can, all that I’m holding before. I’ve relinquished almost everything just to be with him. And I can only give too much. I guess it’s the same with him. If it were just right, we wouldn't be trying so hard.

Now I have reached this decision, the decision to say enough. And when you say enough, you have to mean it’s over.

It has been a struggle in my heart though I know I will be okay. I have to be okay. The guy I can’t wait to see during Fridays or Saturdays, my protector who became so selfless forgetting who he was to fit in to me and a hero who’s willing to leave the world he used to grow up with just to be with mine. All of those modifiers reminded me that the distance between my struggle and relief is as short as the spaces between my knees and the floor. And I can only do nothing but kneel. 

A little awkward thought when everything just screwed up is the fact that when we hurt somebody else, the pain never wounded us so deep as when we were the ones being hurt by the person we love. Perhaps because the only one who can affect us the most are the people who means so much to our lives. People who we can't afford losing so we rather take all the pain in exchange for the contentment of just having him around. But some wounds aren't endurable. Some situations aren't tolerable. And by coming in the crossroads of my life of choosing what bridge to cross and what to burn, I guess my decision would define not how I look at it but who I am. 

And it was on that 9^th of December when I’ve decided to fight for what I feel, unfortunately was not all that’s needed to build a strong yet “peaceful” relationship. It maybe an essential part but a lot of factors must be considered. And finally, I’ve come up with the ultimate answer… To burn the bridge leading my way to him than continue crossing that bridge risking a very slim chance of his entire life to be peaceful, in order, stress-free and at ease. Being a mess and a “leisure” could be the worst descriptions of me as a girlfriend coming from him. But I won’t allow it to happen anymore. Before we could hurt each other more and more by our “different’ ways of showing our perception of love, I think it’s already time to cut the rope. By living our own lives from now on, I just hope he can at least include my name as someone to thank for whenever he prays. 

YoUr GuArDiAn AnGeL

Remember: Noone can make you down unless you allow them...

Differences

Men and women are entirely different. As what they often say, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. No matter how they try to compliment each other, they could never be in the same ground simply because they are born completely unalike.

Building a relationship with someone who is so different from you seems to be a very tough one. I already anticipated those thoughts even beforehand. I knew it would be very uneasy to deal with someone who seems to be your exact opposite. But never did I have any unspoken and unconscious agenda that I want to make the other person just like me. The thought "Everything would be okay if you're just like me, if you like what I like and if you do things the way I like them to be done.” was never an option for me just for things to be easier.

It may seem obvious but we have to say it anyway--No two people

are alike. No matter how similar you think you are when you get into a

relationship and how well matched, you are two fundamentally different people.

What we have discovered is when differences come up, instead of

making that person wrong, you have to embrace the differences between

the two of you and use them to create a better relationship. It may not be a smooth sailing task and even risky, but if you really love that person, you will learn to embrace your differences, or otherwise, use it as a reason to conclude that you were never meant to be in the first place.

I was never an open minded partner before. I used to talk and talk and listens less. But lately I’ve beginning to realize that when you are closed to the ways of other people and only focus on how you’ve always done things, there’s no growth. I learned to listen without judging. You taught me to take turns in talking and not interrupt each other. I have learned to realized that both of us are two different persons making up one relationship and eventually differences will occur. But it really depends on how we can manage differences and prevent two much unnecessary conflicts. At times you will have to give up your right so that the relationship can grow; Even the healthiest relationships at times experience conflict because of individual differences in perspective and opinions. No matter what the difference in your relationship that is causing some form of conflict, it is always up to the both of you to endure the process of adjustment. The differences that exist between us are complementary. The important thing is to know the basis of our relationship.

“There are two kinds of relationships; they are either built on stone, or on sand. When a relationship is built on stone the foundation often stands, since love, trust, honesty, communication and other elements that compose a healthy relationship continues throughout the terms of the commitment. On the other hand, the relationships built on sand lack the elements required to make love grow and relationships to prosper.”

The truth is that we all build a relationship for it and also for us, to grow individually. And if we are with someone who is very different from us, we have the choice as to how we react to those differences. We can either go to a place where fright, uprightness and judgment builds it, or a place of growth understanding and LOVE...

Haven on Earth

     Blood will always be thicker than any other thing...

                      

   

The happiest moments of my life have been the times I spent at home, in the bosom of my family. I may always seek fun and enjoyment during my adventures outside to find refuge away from stress, but at the end of the night I knew I'd be coming back to the place where my heart really is... at home...

                               

  

                                       

                                      

An environment which prospers values with an atmosphere that appreciates individual differences, tolerates mistakes, unbolts communication and stretches rules and standards. The kind of feeling you can only find nowhere else but inside a home of a nurturing family.

  

                                        

                                                    

                                         

                                                       

                                                     

 My family has always been and will forever be my shelter. And my home is my safest haven here on earth...

Mysteries^-^

Sometimes a lot of mysteries unfold right before our very eyes without our knowledge. Or maybe we’re just too busy not to identify all of them. Everyday of our lives, we encounter ambiguities, miracles or at least extraordinary happenings. Fortuitous events that occur during an unexpected time and place, a confusing puzzle waiting to be unravel or just mere co-incidents, they all have one thing in common; they leave us all in question, in an enigma…

Fond of taking pictures of mountains and fields alongside when we captured this face of a blonde-hair boy (encircled on top left of the picture).

Looks like impossible to get in through this tiny cave. I did... Scary inside but fun, there are parts where you have to crawl just to pass through.

 

@ Pinagrealan Cave, Norzagaray

 

The mudspring is approximately 4.4 km from the foot of the mountain. Nearly approaching this spring, I slipped on a small rock leading me to slide a few distance on my right. A few steps more and i'll be on my corpse falling down of the mount. Too fortunate, I was ahead of my travel companion enabling him to rescue my hand as fast as he could.

 

  

The dog behind me served as our tour guide while trekking the Mt. Banahaw. He led us along the way and whenever we were uncertain of which way to turn, he swiftly ran forward then look at us signalling that "this way is safe"...

  

Mysteries live among us, it maybe something we know anything of, but definitely not something we can know everything about. Confusing? Well, if everything can be grasped by anyone, life will no longer be wonderful…

-Niar-

Written : 13 April 2010

Rain…

An unusual sentiment of the weather has awaken me this morning. It was the first time to rain since summer has started. I was once told about the effect of weather on people’s moods and emotions. I have a certain feel of subtle sadness when it rain. As if every downpour compensates a drop of tear. And suddenly I was reminded of a “fight” that now seems to end us and the relationship built by love and trust. It was a real heavy feeling waking up like the world conspired and turned up against you. I know today is the beginning of a new chapter, and ending of a part of my life that’s so special. I know today is my doomsday, the moment when I have to say “wo ai ni” for the last time. In addition to that, it’s raining.

I have been pre-occupied with a lot of thoughts coming into my head since yesterday. It has been hours that I can’t help but wonder and seek for what’s the good in all of these? “Is it really worth it?” My mind has nothing to mumble but only one word  yes. Fixing your mind, heart and soul on something that’ll about to take place is never easy. How can you prepare when it happened so sudden? How can you say goodbye to someone you can’t take letting go? How can you tell your mind that it’s falling apart and is nearly over? How can u separate yourself to someone when even a single minute without him feels hell? What more a lifetime apart from him? I have been crying last night as a child deprived of his right to be happy. And for me, my happiness is the person I thought I already lost.

As darkness fills the shady sky that morning, so is my heart. Filled with pain and loneliness, it became hard for me to go on and continue the fight. I want to walk in the rain so people won’t see my tears. However, I have decided to give it a last shot anyway. If it didn’t work out for me, at least I know it’s something worth trying… Hard I know to open another chance for us for it also means opening another opportunity to get hurt. Another possibility to shed tears and another reason to blame rain…. But is there anything harder than seeing the most significant person in your life departing right before your very eyes? Unthinkable, unimaginable, unbearable…

Rainbow, indeed is the best part of rain. A sigh of relief after the struggle brought about by the storms of life. I’d be very glad to withstand the change of weathers if only sun would shine on me again. Before it’s too late that I already hate the entire idea of rain in my life, hopefully I can see that rainbow of happiness closer as each day rises, sooner than forever...

The 3 o'clock prayer

Written : 25 January 2010

It was first introduced by our boss at my office a few years back. He instructed us to pray it every 3 o’clock in the afternoon during office hours. I never heard of the prayer beforehand so I researched about it. I found out a lot about that certain prayer. Those divine mercy chaplet prayer were the exact words by Jesus Christ who appeared to Saint Faustina. The latter wrote it down as a prayer and tell everyone she knows of her story and the prayer behind it. According to Jesus, this prayer should be said during the hour of mercy which is every 3 o’clock. Whoever prays for it shall have divine mercy, even in his dying bed. When someone prays it, even once in his whole life, his soul will be saved and on his death, God will appear to him not as a just Judge but as a merciful Savior…

I, personally has been a devotee of saints. St. Lorenzo Ruiz, Saint Faustina, St. Thomas, St. Paul, St. Rose of Lima and even those who haven’t been beatified yet like Blessed Margaret and our very own, Blessed Pedro Calungsod.

Prayer is our communication with God. It is our main line to him. Direct, unlimited, no service charge, no interruptions, no connection error and no need to load all the time. I may not be the most religious teenage girl around, I do sins and sometimes forget to ask penance, I skip rosaries at times and even miss out masses for certain occasions. But as a sinner, I am accountable for that. What I know that matters now is the fact that I am doing something for my reconciliation with God, with my salvation, for my soul’s redemption.

Here it goes the prayer I get used to praying every 3 pm for years now…

1. In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with you. Blessed are you amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

2. I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ, his only son our Lord. He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified died and was buried. He descended into hell, on the 3rd day he rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven, seated at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty. He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic church. The communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen.

3. (Pray this like the Our Father in the rosary)
Eternal father, I offer you the body and blood, soul and divinity of our dearly beloved son, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

4. (Pray this like the Hail Mary in the rosary)
For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and the whole world. (Repeat ten times)

Repeat number 3 and 4 five times just like the decades of the rosary.

 Holy God, Holy Mighty one, Holy immortal one, have mercy on us and the whole world. (Repeat three times)

You expired Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and the ocean of mercy open up for the whole world. Oh fountain of life, unfathomable divine mercy, envelop the whole world and empty yourself out upon us. Oh blood and water which gushed forth from the heart of Jesus, as a fount of mercy for us, we trust in you.


Continue praying this as long as you live and you will receive eternal salvation.

Whoever gathers and pray in my name, I tell you. I am with them.


In 1933, God gave Sister Faustina a striking vision of His Mercy,

"I saw a great light, with God the Father in the midst of it. Between this light and the earth I saw Jesus nailed to the Cross and in such a way that God, wanting to look upon the earth, had to look through Our Lord's wounds and I understood that God blessed the earth for the sake of Jesus."

Of another vision on Sept. 13, 1935, she writes:
"I saw an Angel, the executor of God's wrath... about to strike the earth...I began to beg God earnestly for the world with words which I heard interiorly. As I prayed in this way, I saw the Angel's helplessness, and he could not carry out the just punishment...."

Jesus said later to Sister Faustina:
"Say unceasingly this chaplet that I have taught you. Anyone who says it will receive great Mercy at the hour of death. Priests will recommend it to sinners as the last hope. Even the most hardened sinner, if he recites this Chaplet even once, will receive grace from My Infinite Mercy. I want the whole world to know My Infinite Mercy. I want to give unimaginable graces to those who trust in My Mercy...."
"....When they say this Chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between My Father and the dying person not as the just judge but as the Merciful Savior".

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, ...teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always till the close of the age.” -- MATTHEW 28:20

My Real Judge

Written : 27 October 2009
Somehow, compound years of existence has been a profitable and exciting one. Though the ride was never easy, and sometimes, even gripping the idea of not waking up the next day and still happy thinking ‘bout it, I never had the spare time to wonder why it all had to happen.. Technically, God has never been “that generous” to me unlike some lucky fellows there who seems to be endowed by fate anything they ever wished for in living. But I just love each thing he has provided me. He never made me perfect. Moreover, made me feel blessed and contented with myself… And it has taken me over years to fully understand the purpose and the meaning of all these. Of what they so-called L-I-F-E…

There are those people who have crossed my life, some are still in it while others just vanished similar to a lost balloon as the poem I once made, modifies. But all of them, regardless of how they treated me in the past and how they’re still treating me as of this moment, is an inch of a blessing.. I may not sound as gratified as I really am, but I know deep inside, am trying to thank all of them in silence. They’re my sunscreen. Life without them could be nothing but more hellacious than this world could ever offer. Maybe I’m just too glad they entered the orbit of my world….

Experiences in life are the second main thing. For others, it’s as bare as things they’ve done or what happened to them in a daily basis. But for me, it is what defines me… Everything I do is a reflection of me and every word I utter leaves a distinction of who I really am. Strident but deep. Explicit yet refined… Spirited however anxious… Wild but innocent. We execute things for a reason. And we are responsible to all of that. Every performance has an audience and every stroke has an impacting result. We are judged the way we want to be judged.
A lot of individuals, may it be a friend or someone who barely know my name, judge me cruelly. For all the things that came my way before, I know I won’t let anyone read me just like an open book…

Perhaps what I am simply trying to impart here is the fact that I hate being judged without enough determinable basis. But that point of anger will do no effect on people who never ceases to demean others. Maybe it’s their defense mechanism to cover up their millions of insecurities. And I mean MILLIONS for that matter. Change is far from reality holding on to that “claptrap idea” that putting other people down will somehow raise them up… I have no recourse but listen to them instead.

Nothing and no one can stop me from doing what I wanna do inspite of criticism and denigration I’ve been getting. I live my life as I want it to and I know that in every step, whatever I do, may it be good or bad, I am the one accountable when I come across the real judgment, with the “real” judge, the greatest man up there…+

Holding back hurts...

Written : 18 July 2009


What the hell are you doing inside a relationship when you’re just too scared to get hurt? Unfair lang yun sa next partner mo. And I mean it! Pwede ring “unpair” (meaning hindi match)... If you’re going to “nurse” your wounded, open-stabbed heart, make sure you are not in a commitment because believe me, no matter how you keep on denying it perhaps unconsciously, you’ll be too blind and insensitive making yourself selfish and too harsh and careless (whisper) on your mate’s feelings.

They say the easiest way to get over someone is to love another. An old adage I have learned to disagree upon! Ooops, don’t get me wrong. This girl’s not saying that you have to imprison yourself with the past, or focus on what has long been gone. What I’m just trying to pinpoint here is that open new possibilities, extend boundaries, enjoy life, but don’t enter another relationship, at least not very soon… Sometimes driving too fast might hurt you more than you could ever imagined...(What’s worse, you worn out your seatbelt!) And never open reasons for you to hurt somebody by making yourself believe that you’ve already moved on and time to have a new partner (hayyy, rebound). At the end of the night, you’ll just fall asleep without even realizing the truth. (and sino niloko mo? Loser!)

I have this special bond with someone so held back (not brokeback ah.. ) I always have to tell him what to do, what a girl wants, what a girl needs, (whatever makes me happy sets you free, ika nga ni Christina Aguilera..) and what’s so annoying is that I know he pretty much know what to do. He just refuses doing it.. And I think I knew the answer.. “He’s just not ready yet to fall in the bait of that thing called “love” where he was once trapped in…” Ouch!! Have you ever had a partner who never really know how to fight for what he feels? While you’re a one careless bloody injured fellow who keeps on fighting against the rages of everything and everyone, there he goes, trying to stay composed and didn’t really care how much you’ve hurt. All he cares for is his “heart well hidden and his undemolished ego”. Sounds bitter ah!

You know how you hurt people by not giving your 100%. Especially when your partner does and of course, he/she expects to receive the same amount of love from you, too. In love, non-negotiable ang 01-99%. Always everything, always what you can at your best, and not just what you can as of this moment. Love is not just a mere learning process. It’s a feeling, an emotion. It’s not something to be trained, nor something to be taught of. It may be expanded progressively or regressively but should be felt at hand. Now, if you think you’re still not that courageous enough to give your “all” without an assurance that you can receive something closer to what you’ve given and what you know you can still give, maybe you should think twice before tarnishing a possible harmonious relationship. Before it gets too worse and the next thing you know, you’re already ruining not just a probable perfect partnership, but an almost-prefect partner, as well.

Eveything in life is a choice. Whether you stay it kept to yourself or easily let go.. It’s your call. Minsan kasi, not giving everything to your partner has a very deep, excruciating reason behind. Rather than risk what we already have for something greater, we are trying to fit in to what’s constant, we tend to be contented with certainty in fear of making a wrong choice, and so we prefer to be safe. “Comfort zone” ang tawag dun. But you know guys, you have to realize that change is inevitable. And the thing to be changed is not the actual and only option you can make. Not changing at all is already a choice, a more risky one. Fear is everywhere and being spared from the pain by depriving yourself of your “absolute right” to be happy is much painful. It is never a mistake to try entering another relationship (as all of us hope for a newer, fresher and better love story after a messed up one). But not until you can give your whole heart and mind into it. Not until you’re prepared to relinquish every part of you without even having a single amount of panic that you might not be compensated enough, or might lose everything you’ve invested in just a blast. However, you still have a choice. If you think you can’t do all the necessary requirements in entering a new relationship, then DON’T. If something whispers within you everytime you try to hold somebody’s hand, or in the attempt of saying those three magical words I-LOVE-YOU, by all means, DON’T. If you’re not yet generous enough to give all that is needed to make your partner happy and satisfied, DON’T.

When all of those holding back points to a particular direction and warnings seems to be clearer than crystal, it only summarizes one thing; THINGS ARE NOT YET READY. And the million dollar question on how you can identify if the healing process had arrived safe to its finish line? Maybe that four-letter word significant element of life can tell… and it spelled T-I-M-E…

Sin Apprehension

Written : 16 April 2009

Occurrence transform depending on how we exist. Obstacles change depending on how we take them. And life varies depending on how we choose to live.

God made everyone equal in his own way and understanding. And he basically created us whole. With heart not only to feel the pain but happiness as well, and with mind to decide whatever we think is the rightest thing to do with what he has given us.
Maybe one argument in the idea of God giving us almost everything is, we scarcely know how to take “good” use of them. I specifically applied the word “good” instead of “best” to come up with the thought that he never demanded us to give our best. Because for him, “good” seems to be always enough. Already a superlative. Excellent in a manner. But how are we to know if we are using God’s gifts to us purposely, and in a “good” way?

First, it must be something from the heart. A decision made up merely by brain is more likely to cracked up and turned out to be gibberish. So cerebral and logically-based… He has made “heart” the last thing to stop before we die, so we can decide things properly, serving its purpose as having the final say in everything. Secondly, it should hurt no one. Or if ever there’s any who’ll be inevitable to be harmed, it should be unintended. Shallow wounds are still wounds but easier to heal than a wound deliberately done. They heal for years,and sometimes, take forever…

What’s the bottom line of all these?

Just one thing…

Think it over before doing something. God created us complete despite the fact that he expects less because humans are permissible sinners. He knows we can take hold every minute and praise and thank him all our lives but can never be enough unless you’ve proven your spotless purpose in anything you do. Because at the end of it all, your game will be determined with how you played it. Your crimes, by how you premeditatively did it. And if in everything you do, hurting other people is unavoidable, at the very least, be very hesitant to do so.

One wrong step can change someone else’s life in an instance. Or maybe your own. It will just be too fortunate if what we’ve decided for to take is worth all the possible sinning we can commit in the process…

Real Players

Written : 24 February 2009


Perhaps one of the greatest mistakes you can ever make and after the long run, learn and accept in life is to incessantly fear you will make one. 


I am always fond of testing my capability. I have been an assessor of myself, sometimes criticize, but most of the time encourage. I believe that even if everybody else around throw negative reprimand against me, I won’t hold back… Why would I? As long as I trust I can do it, no amount of denigration can stop me or turn me into a sinister…
Never had a night that I fell asleep without talking to myself. Judgment of others is just too little to stain a very essential spirit inside me — my character. And at the end of the day, the real and ultimate judge would be no one else but your own self.

I’ve been rejected a million times, from the smallest contest to a spectacular competition. But those rejections never came up to my head as a thing to destroy me. I know that whatever happens you must not give up on your own ability and what you can do. Life, regardless of how long will it be depends only on how you make it more meaningful. You can abbreviate it or otherwise, expand it. I prefer the latter one... It’s my commitment to myself.

So many people I’ve encountered, some I’ve got the privilege to know deeply, and some just passing by along me loses hope long before life gave up on them. They died many times before their deaths… My prayers are for them though I don’t think I’m in the position to lay judgment on them. They decide them for themselves. I just felt sorry not knowing they can still do so much with their lives… I never want to be in such despair. My life will not be permanently stagnant. My life will vary according to how I choose it to flow better than anyone expect it to. I’m doing something for myself… Part of me are made by words from people around me. But that’s not entirely my whole. I refused to be a product of somebody else’s vision of what they wish to be for their own selves. I am a creation of myself.

And whenever critics once again chuck several pieces of unseemly words against me, most are rude and indecorous, some are fake and others with which I still have to examine a million fold its sincerity, who the hell cares? I have been at ease with myself even before someone ever learned they can elevate themselves by putting me down. I had fears. Everyone has. As of now, I still have a lot of them. But I develop more courage with every time I feel scared. For only in doing those things you’re afraid of, enters courage. You can never have bravery if you don’t have something to fear…

And who has the guts to question me of my way of conquering and surviving life? I have the power over nothing but myself... Right now, I’m still battling with insecurities, uncertainties and very so often, fear. But I’m very much eager to gamble once again, always been willing to go and take my chance again.

As a final cut, in this game called life real players take part — chances maybe slim or stout. All you have to do is partake… because in the end of it all, win or lose, you may not have took home the price but in its place you’ll be grasping your head high discerning for yourself that you never quit a match wherein far beyond easier to give up than be wounded and fight…

Breathless

Written : 15 December 2008

Wasn’t just an ordinary day
When this heart finally felt happy & complete?
No words so perfect for me to convey
The prize of you never to forfeit.

Love’s just a mere journey
Hold or let go, either sink or swim
But God’s so great for giving me
Priceless possession more than a dream.

Distance & miles apart were enemies
Try to succumb to this bitter fate
Waited long enough to came through this,
Then all of a sudden, everything’s great.

You never know how much nor how deep
My passion for you that’s never unreal
Everlasting joy I’ll forever keep
That’s just so right and best to reveal.

Hold my hand ‘till the end of this fight
Since the start I knew you were the one
In a love so blind you’ve given me sight
To see the glory of morning and beauty of the sun.

This vow I’ll make might touch your heart
For it’s the truest thing my lips can ever say,
Through the test of everything, our ways will never part
As long as the world still promises a day.

All my days you’re the one I only lived for
Without you in my life I’d rather die instead.
So when someone tells you I don’t love you anymore
Its’ as good as saying that I’m already dead.