Out of his life...

From one struggle to another, from one voluntary act to another, from one sweet love deed to another, I always found reason to stay--- and to keep being hopeful. But now after the last few drops of tears, after the final smack to sense it over having blazed rows with pros and cons like a watched pot that has long been waited to boil, I have finally  found my twinge place about face… Out of his life.

I used to be a great adviser to my friends. Trying to lighten up a friend’s sobbing heart has been one of my expertise. And my favorite line, “Is it really  worth it?” Now I am haunted by the very same question, and after some anticipations and meditations, I guess it’s safe to say that it really was. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my concluding stop. This is where I descend, my final take off. This is the moment when I finally have to burn the bridge.

I will always have sweet fond memories of him, and the perfect man he almost was. I can cleverly recall some huge fights and numerous petty squabbles we had, heavy complications brought by my twitchy and unstill previous life not to mention my childish ways. But at the other side of these, I still choose to remember those days when we were so happy and close together.

There was always a reason to keep what we had. To treasure and continue experiencing the happiest days of our lives. The dream that was too heavenly to cease, a dream that now will forever be just that… There were more than a single attempt to take it to a higher illusion. To elevate it into something truer than what it only seemed to be. But always, I found ourselves somewhere I had left us off: the deputy, the meantime partnership. A fighter of a happy ending that always almost, but not quite. A battle victored by humility and not pride. By conceding, I think that was the greatest prize.

How can you save a relationship that’s nearly approaching the end? How can you hoard a ship that’s slowly falling apart? We’ve gave it all unfortunately our own differences gave up on us. And after a while of dominating what we always thought would be ours forever or maybe what we always assume, now for the first time I find myself running out of reasons. I have come face to face with reality that I was NEVER the finest partner he was to me all along. I was never the best for him though he always sees me as that. It was just a label, a mask I could use to describe what in the longest time I’ve been trying to be. Problem wanted more of us, and it took me this long to finally realize that I could not offer him what he‘s been wanted. Not with me. So what's the point of settling for mere status like this?

Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your loved one might be one of the greatest forfeiture a partner can ever made. They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I think that’s merely what is left for me… I have to make a stand even if it means giving up my own happiness.   

“Know what you want and stick with it”. It always worked for me as I have known myself. Unfortunately, it’s always been a selfish unfair act to persist my wants and disregarding his. Once again, I am going through this tug-of-war over what I wanted and what I truly deserved. After my true feelings surfaced, I began to acknowledge the fact that I was fascinated by his ways. The rest was just part of the imagination I had created in my mind, just like the reasons that were not supposed to be there in the first place.

Painful? Yes, but still bearable. When you have finally ran out of answers and all that's comforting you were plain possibilities, won't you get tired, too? I always ask; I never assume.

All along he was telling me how “cute” and unique I am in his eyes. How “appreciative” he was of having me around to cuddle him during his weary times, I can clearly recall his expressions when our tempers were about to clashed, how he hold my hand when I’m getting tantrums, and the one who sees me a better yet far from the best option he could ever get.  Maybe I was not perfect, perhaps an ideal to some. A girlfriend venerably revered. So there I was again, the woman on the pedestal pacing on a red carpet. Only God knows how I wish those compliments were enough to offset my true emotions inside caused by his insensitivity.

Despite all this I stayed on hoping that I would in time be able to serve my purpose compensating the kindness I received from him which in the long time I’ve been trying to do, as well. This time, unconditionally. Why? Because I found fulfillment in making him know beyond what he already was to me. Because we were both convenient. There were good and bad reasons but after all that’s been said and done it was because I was happy most of all. Then I would wake up one morning not feeling the same way anymore, less hopeful but more certain that I wanted more from us and this happy-ok-sad, mediocre relationship.

I have given it enough time --- for us to grow, for us to be the better persons that we are now. I would like to think that I gave it enough chance. I would like to believe that someday when our paths cross again, I will see him in the arms of someone who deserves him best, who’s willing to love him more than I did, someone who is meant to be "chosen" and not just someone he had to settle for. Well, I think I also ought to have that same wish for myself in return… 

I have given it my best --- all I have got, all that I can, all that I’m holding before. I’ve relinquished almost everything just to be with him. And I can only give too much. I guess it’s the same with him. If it were just right, we wouldn't be trying so hard.

Now I have reached this decision, the decision to say enough. And when you say enough, you have to mean it’s over.

It has been a struggle in my heart though I know I will be okay. I have to be okay. The guy I can’t wait to see during Fridays or Saturdays, my protector who became so selfless forgetting who he was to fit in to me and a hero who’s willing to leave the world he used to grow up with just to be with mine. All of those modifiers reminded me that the distance between my struggle and relief is as short as the spaces between my knees and the floor. And I can only do nothing but kneel. 

A little awkward thought when everything just screwed up is the fact that when we hurt somebody else, the pain never wounded us so deep as when we were the ones being hurt by the person we love. Perhaps because the only one who can affect us the most are the people who means so much to our lives. People who we can't afford losing so we rather take all the pain in exchange for the contentment of just having him around. But some wounds aren't endurable. Some situations aren't tolerable. And by coming in the crossroads of my life of choosing what bridge to cross and what to burn, I guess my decision would define not how I look at it but who I am. 

And it was on that 9^th of December when I’ve decided to fight for what I feel, unfortunately was not all that’s needed to build a strong yet “peaceful” relationship. It maybe an essential part but a lot of factors must be considered. And finally, I’ve come up with the ultimate answer… To burn the bridge leading my way to him than continue crossing that bridge risking a very slim chance of his entire life to be peaceful, in order, stress-free and at ease. Being a mess and a “leisure” could be the worst descriptions of me as a girlfriend coming from him. But I won’t allow it to happen anymore. Before we could hurt each other more and more by our “different’ ways of showing our perception of love, I think it’s already time to cut the rope. By living our own lives from now on, I just hope he can at least include my name as someone to thank for whenever he prays.